Borderlands Randomness Collection Vol 1
by Mr. BramStoker
Summary: Series of hilarious vignettes, oneshots, spoofs and parodies featuring characters from the first and second game. Romance, humour, and so many more!
1. Chapter 1

**Borderlands Randomness Collection Vol. 1**

**Heyo folks, Bram Stoker here! I've decided on doin' a large series of humorous Borderlands oneshots with all the characters; namely Axton, Maya (rowr she's sexy), Salvador, Gaige, Zero, Lilith (double rowr), Brick, Roland, Moxxi (triple rowr), the Sheriff of Lynchwood (mega rowr), Angel (tiger growl), Tannis (lion purr), Mordecai, Marcus, Claptrap, and you guessed it, Krieg.**

**PS- this is after Handsome Jack's death btw, so sorry Handsome Jack lovers, he's not allowed in this fanfic series.**

**PS PS- Angel and Roland are alive in this version and still interact with the other Vault Hunters. That said, onto our first of many, many, MANY sketches. Enjoy!**

**Sketch No. 1: Commandos should Never Drunk Dial**

It was past midnight at Sanctuary. Maya was sound asleep, softly snoring. All of a sudden the phone near her nightstand rang. Groaning tiredly, Maya stumbled for the receiver, grabbed it then placed it to her ear.

"Mmph… hello?" Maya mumbled sleepily. "Hey. What-what… what are ya doing?" Axton babbled, his words slurred. Maya rolled her eyes, knowing that the drunk commando would drunk dial her at this time of night

"Axton, I'm **sleeping**. I was in the middle of this lovely dream where I was the lead in an Aerosmith music video. I think it was either what it takes or Love in an Elevator." Maya spoke tiredly. "Yeah. I was just out with Salvador and Zero; we were out drinking. So, what, eh, what are you doin'?" Axton repeated

"I just told you, you drunk!" Maya hissed. "I know. I-I forgot. Hey hey, this song made me think of you. So hang on, hang on, just listen to this song." Axton blubbered, Maya listening in annoyance only to lean back as guitar music blared loudly.

"Isn't that awesome?" Axton asked wildly. "You said you weren't gonna call her!" Salvador piped up. "It's not her, you dummy!" Axton barked, before adding "sorry. Sal, he-he told me not to call you. So uh, what are you doing?" Axton repeated. Maya simply exhaled and uttered "Goodnight. I'll see you in the morning"

With that, she hung up the phone and plopped her head onto her pillow and snored loudly. Ok, so a few residents complained, but did Maya give a shit? Hell no! Cause she's out like a light, for cryin out loud! Seriously, she spent literally **all night** at Lynchwood, blasting the brains out of a dozen bandits and got forced into a joyful threesome with her, the Sheriff and Captain Scarlett. Not only was it embarrassing, but also true to her nature, she secretly enjoyed it.

**The next morning…**

Yawning loudly, Lilith approached the door to Maya's room. She could hear Maya's loud snoring a mile away. She opened the door to find her snoozing with her left arm dangling loosely, drool forming from her mouth, her panties on her leg. "Jeez, girl, you really **are** a Siren." Lilith muttered, shaking the slumbering Siren with her hand.

Maya then gibbered something in her sleep and rolled over. "C'mon girl, up and at 'em." Lilith spoke sweetly, trying in vain to avoid carrying her to Moxxi's again. "mmm… five more minutes…" Maya murmured before yawning. Groaning, Lilith then scooped Maya in her arms and then carried her out of her room and toward the bar where Axton, Salvador, Zero, Mordecai, and Nisha awaited her.

"Geez, what's wrong with her? She's lookin' a bit pinkish." Salvador asked. "She's fine Sal. She's just sleeping. Axton, did you drunk dial her last night? Cause I could smell the liquor and white moonshine on your breath" Lilith commented, the commando perking up at the mere mention.

"Uh… Zero, back me up." Axton whispered, the ninja sticking to his guns. "No can do/not my problem/you fix it." Zero replied in his trademark haiku dialogue. Axton grumbled to himself before answering "yes"

"Uhn… Lilith, two things: One, why are you carrying me like I'm a sack of Dahl baked fertilizer, and two; why are you wearing a Hawaiian skirt?" Maya asked tiredly. "Ok, to answer your questions first; you wouldn't wake up, so I figured it was either splash you with a large bucket of water or haul you to the bar and have Moxxi here dump an ice-cold one down your neck. And second; the skirt came with the free gifts after my honeymoon with Roland." Lilith answered

"Well, there goes my bet that Roland wears a grass hula skirt." Mordecai murmured, Salvador clearing his throat, his palm out. "So Maya, your new tattoos are looking fabulous. Where'd you come up with the makeup?" Nisha asked

"Oh, Angel and I started our own business. We run a tattoo parlor next to Zed's, open 24/7, ages 18 and up, absolutely **no minors**, and also we can't have psychedelic smoking inside, that means you Sal." Maya answered, Salvador snapping his fingers in annoyance. "Well it's nice to know you two lovely ladies have started your own business, but… does this mean…?" Axton mentioned

"What? That I would retire from Vault hunting? Hell no!" Maya answered, guffawing as she popped open a flask of cherry pop and took a large sip. "Isn't it a wee bit early to be drinkin' caffeine, missy?" Mick Zaford asked

"Pfft. It's **never** too early for that, pal. Take my advice." Maya responded, stretching her back out as she sat down and relaxed next to Axton and Salvador. "So… what **did** happen last night, anyway?" Maya finally asked


	2. Chapter 2

**Borderlands Randomness Collection Vol. 1**

**Sketch No. 2: Axton and Maya Romantic Talk (Dialog Only)**

**Author's Note: If you can guess some of the small Sin City references in this story, you're a genius**

"Hey Axton, how's it hanging?"

"Good. Just another Saturday night…"

"Hmm. Rough night in the Beatdown again?"

"You have no idea. It starts off like this, you see; I arrive there, I blast a few psychos and some goliaths, then I notice this marauder wearing this really neat trench coat. I come up to him and I say "Marauder, that's a damn fine coat you're wearing"

"Go on babe, I'm listening…"

"Anyway, the marauder looks at me like he's shitting himself, so I blow his head off, take the coat and I get outta Dodge just before Pyro Pete tries to roast me."

"So then what?"

"Well, the yellow bastard had me cornered down at Thousand Cuts. I decided it was only natural for me to take away his weapons. **Both** of them."

"So what do you do?"

"Well… I basically dismantle his flamethrowers, then I grab his testicles and I yank them off as hard as hell, and the bastard screams like a wailing siren, but he still has that sadistic grin on his face as I mash his head in with my fists."

"Damn, that's a no-brainer."

"So I start to feel weary. I contact Nisha on my ECHO device and ask her to come pick me up, I tell her where I am, and she says she'll be there in five minutes. I then pass out, saying to myself 'a few bandits die. A few good-looking women live. Fair trade.'"

"Wow. You are a total badass. Huh. Seems like you were describing that weird movie we rented last night."

"Oh yeah, Sin City. Man, that was badass."

"Mm-hmm. That Nancy chick kinda reminded me of Angel."

"Why's that?"

"What can I say? They're both blondes with hearts of gold, really sweet and compassionate."

"Oh yeah, I get it… at least Angel didn't cut her hair, dye it black, cut scars on her face and kill a crooked senator."

"You're referring to the second one, Hartigan."

"What? I knew it, you **are** a fan!"

"Ok, ok, a little! I meant Axton."

"Ah, I gotcha. So, would it be fair if I nicknamed you Nancy or Goldie?"

"Eh, fine by me. Just as long as I get to nickname **you** either Marv or Hartigan."

"What about Jack?"

"Oh him? Eh, I'd refer to him as that yellow bastard."

"Ha-ha, I can see that. Hey, what about Roland?"

"Oh, I'd refer to him as a nicer version of that tall black dude with the golden eye."

"And I'd refer to Ellie as a female version of that fat German mob boss."

"Ellie's not German, you ditz."

"I know that. I'm just implying."

"Hey, Axton?"

"Hmm?"

"That's a damn fine coat you're wearing."

"Giggity."


	3. Chapter 3

Heyo, here's another addition to the collection!

Genre: Comedy with a tiny dish of Romance

Pairings: Maya/Axton, Maya/Lilith

**A Lazy Siren and a Horny Commando**

It was a brisk, chilly Thursday morning at Sanctuary as everyone was either out Vault hunting, looking for thrills, getting drunk, or just loitering around and doing nothing. Which is exactly what a certain blue-haired Siren was doing.

"Yo, Maya, these Vaults ain't gonna reveal themselves. What say you and me start hunting for one down at the Highlands?" Axton offered, only to get a soft snore as a reply. Maya was apparently asleep, a Playboy bunny magazine in her lap, her hand resting on her prized pistol. The commando then realized what would result if he foolishly tried to wake her up.

"Hey, what's up with your wife over there? She's been sitting there for hours!" Mordecai piped up, Axton shushing him. "She's taking her morning beauty rest. And she gets pretty feisty if any of the loudmouths around her try to bug her." Axton explained, the drunken sniper acknowledging the fact.

"Eh, it's no biggie. Besides, she looks cute." Lilith commented, as Maya snored and dreamed. To make sure nobody was looking, Lilith planted a tiny kiss on Maya's cheek. the Siren moaned then blinked her left eye before closing it.

"Phew, that was a close call. Geez, Lil, don't you know it's dangerous to wake up a sleeping Siren? Scooter learned his lesson last week, you know." Mordecai replied, Axton snickering. "Yeah, but it was pretty funny to see Maya shoving that wrench up his short butt."

"Mmm…" Maya moaned in her sleep. "shh!" Lilith shushed the two, as Maya then mumbled, "ooh Axton, mmm… that, that feels so good…" before snoring.

At that instant, both turned to stare at the bemused commando. "Axton, is there something you need to tell me? Have you and her been shacking it up again?" Mordecai asked, grinning lewdly.

"Oh my god! Mordy, what is **wrong** with you?! What my wife and I do in the bedroom is our business!" Axton exclaimed in disgust

"Hey, what's all the hubbub?" Zed asked, having just finished another messy surgery. "Zed, Axton and Maya here have been making whoopee again." Mordecai responded, Axton shooting him a dirty look.

"Oh yeah, I knew that. Heck, the two of you have been doin' that since the wedding." Zed replied. Now it was Lilith's turn to be confused

"Oh is that so? Then tell me Mr. Ladies' Man, how many times have you and Maya done it?" Lilith teased, trying in vain to hold back her laughter.

"Why are we even **having** this conversation?" Axton gasped in embarrassment before groaning and answering "ok. Twice a week."

"Aha! I **knew** it!" Salvador exclaimed, turning to Mordecai "Hand over the money amigo"

"Look, laugh all you want, but when Maya gets up, it'll be no laughing matter if she hears about this." Axton warned as Maya snored softly, still adrift in slumber.

"and why bother? Look, she's out like a large light, and she'll probably not remember any of it." Lilith explained, Axton snorting. "Yeah right. She's a **telepath**. She instantly recalls things and events in her sleep! And believe me, I'm positive she's hearing all this smut!" Axton hissed

"Pffft. Geez, take it down a notch, brother. Didn't you warn us what would happen if you tried to wake up a snoozing Siren? Unless you wanna get something shoved up your anus like Scooter…" Mordecai added, Axton rolling his eyes. Then came the yawning as everyone's eyes shrank in horror.

"Oh crap…" Zed moaned. "Did she…?" Mordecai asked. "Shush. I've got this." Lilith quickly added, placing a chloroform rag over Maya. "What the hell are you doing?" Axton gasped. "Putting her back to sleep. What does it look like?" Lilith spat, as Maya strangely seemed to **enjoy** inhaling the fumes. Her pretty blue eyes rolled back into her head, and she slowly drifted off to sleep with a smile on her face.

"… And I'm awesome." Lilith finally uttered, as Maya started snoring again. "Well, don't you think we all learned a lesson or somethin'?" Zed asked. "Eh, never mind, it was just a silly sex talk thing. I'm pretty sure she's forgotten it now that she's doped up on chloroform." Lilith answered, scooping Maya up. Lilith carried the snoozing Siren to hers and Axton's room and placed her on her bed, gently placed the covers over her and stroked her elegant blue hair. Maya then mumbled something then rolled over. "Goodnight Maya." Lilith whispered, kissing her forehead as she slept.

**Later…**

Maya yawned loudly as she stretched out and got up and headed for Moxxi's bar. "Hey-hey, look who decided to finally get up!" Nisha commented, pulling up a chair for her as Maya sat down and opened a can of ginger ale.

"Gosh, I had the strangest dream… that Axton was telling Lilith, Mordecai and Zed about how we have s-e-x in the bedroom." Maya spoke, Nisha choking on her drink. "What?!" Angel gasped. "Yeah, it was really weird. Almost as if…" Maya continued, before seeing her commando husband hiding behind a booth.

"I can see you, you sly Casanova fox, you!" Maya hollered, Axton gulping nervously as he approached his companion and wife. "Uh, heh-heh, honey… uh, I was just…" Axton started before Maya pulled him in and kissed him on the lips. Nisha, Moxxi and Gaige sighed passionately, Salvador grudgingly handed Mordecai a wad of cash, muttering about losing a bet, Brick was watching in amusement, Zer0 had a heart emoticon, and Zed was chuckling to himself.

"That's how it's done son, that's how it's done around here." Zed thought to himself, as Maya and Axton kissed passionately.

"Oh and Axton?" Maya spoke with hearts in her eyes

"Yeah, sweetie?" Axton replied

"We are **never** speaking of this again"


	4. Chapter 4

Genre: Comedy

Pairings: All Vault Hunters

**More Drunken Hunting**

_Vault Hunters and alcohol never, __**ever**__ go together. But for some, there are a few exceptions…_

It was a Friday night at the bar, as the Vault Hunters were drinking booze and exchanging conversations, and it was only natural for after they were completely inebriated, that they would agree to do something both awesome and incredibly stupid.

"hey… I got an idea that'll be **sooo** fucking awesome." Axton blubbered drunkenly

"hic… wha-what is it… hic…" Maya hiccupped, not yet fully drunk

"Let's go out and-and kill some bandits…" Axton blubbered, Maya snorting loudly, laughing hysterically.

"I'm serious!" the commando slurred

"yeah, yeah, I hear ya… ok, fuck it, let's go blow some shit up…" Maya snickered, the two stumbling out, as others heard them

"yo, Zer0, did you hear them?" Salvador asked, as the ninja hiccupped.

"hunting in the night/alcohol in the bloodstream/sounds like a wild party" Zer0 responded in haiku

"yeah, I know right? So what do you say, amigo? You and me, blowing some loco bandito's brains out?" Salvador added, Zer0 nodding. "Great! Let's vamoose before the two newlyweds beat us to it!" Salvador exclaiming, the two intoxicated hunters staggering out, leaving Gaige, Nisha, Lilith, Angel and Brick in the bar.

"hmmm… remember last time they did something like that?" Nisha asked, Lilith nodding.

"$20,000 on Salvador and Zer0." Brick piped up

"Oh yeah? $40,000 on Maya and Axton." Nisha proposed, the two shaking hands.

**The Next Day…**

Zer0 groaned and slowly got up. Next to him were the shattered remnants of a Bandit Technical, and a large clutter of bandit corpses and buzzards all around. Zer0 then found Salvador, again passed out on his face, close behind was an enormous dead spiderant, with red-black blood all over the sand and on Zer0. The ninja shook his head and went over to get the dwarf.

Axton slowly got up and tried to stop the throbbing in his head, but to no such luck. He found Maya snoring softly, but to his surprise, he saw her sleeping on top of a massive dead thresher with blood splattered all over the walls.

"Holy crap, what the hell did we do last night?" Axton muttered. The commando then shook his wife's shoulder.

"Mmm… five more minutes…" Maya murmured, snoring again. "Maya, babe, you're sleeping on a dead thresher!" Axton hissed

"Yeah, yeah, and I'm Katy Perry. So what? The dead thresher feels like a nice soft mattress and his brain matter is a nice pillow. So do me a favor and zip it, and let me sleep." Maya murmured, snoring.

Back at Sanctuary, Brick, Nisha, Angel, Lilith, and Gaige waited at the entrance of the bar for the Vault Hunters to return from their drunken escapades.

Zer0 came with Salvador hoisted on his shoulder. Half his uniform was singed and he was covered in blood and oil.

Axton came in next, with a sleeping Maya in his arms. His hair was partly burnt, shrapnel was in his armored vest and Maya had a few hookers' phone numbers written on her shirt.

"So… got a little kinky with the girls from the Highlands, did you now?" Lilith spoke, Axton nodding silently. Maya then gurgled before placing her head on Axton's shoulder. "Alright Brick, pay up." Nisha barked, holding out her hand.

"Aw nuts! How come those two won 'cause of a few booty calls?" Brick asked. "Brick… do me a favor, let's keep that our little secret, ok?" Maya murmured sleepily, yawning. "C'mon honey, let's grab some shuteye before we have work to do", dragging a grinning Axton with her.

"What's he smiling about?" Brick wondered, Zer0 immediately responding with "having sex/getting himself laid/professing love for his wife"

"… Zer0, you have **got** to teach me how to do that haiku of yours." Nisha replied


	5. Chapter 5

Heyo!

Genre: Family/Drama

Pairings: Maya/Axton, Maya/Sheriff, Maya/Lilith

**Healing Old Wounds**

It was a quiet Friday night in Sanctuary as most of the residents were either out hunting, decorating for the holidays, or being lazy. Nisha the Lawbringer was simply enjoying the moment, sipping a cup of hot cocoa and just breathing in the fresh air. Just then, a messenger arrived with a note.

"from Lynchwood County." The messenger spoke. Nisha took the note, paid the delivery boy and read it then gasped. Apparently, Nisha's former deputy Gary Winger had died of throat cancer. Winger, being a chain-smoker was never very careful about his health nor did he ever show any thought of it. Either way, the note also read that the sum of inheritance was a maximum wage of $50,000 in bearer bonds and the deed to the buffalo ranch and the Colonel Steele's Fried Chicken Coliseum restaurant chain ownership

"Hey, Nisha, why so glum all of a sudden?" Maya asked, curious of her sibling's unexplained sorrow. "Bad news; my deputy died this morning. Throat cancer." Nisha explained, placing her hat over her heart area

"Oh, bummer. Well, nevertheless, me and Axton will be there at the funeral and reading of the will." Maya responded, Nisha smiling as she nodded and hugged her. "thank you. You know you're always there for me." Nisha commented, Maya placing her arm over Nisha. "C'mon, I'll buy you a drink." Maya replied, both heading over to Moxxi's bar.

Axton and Lilith were there, drinking ginger ale and munching on nachos with bean dip when Maya and Nisha entered. "Hey ladies, pull up a chair. We got the Knicks game on satellite." Axton spoke, pulling up two chairs for the girls. "guys, Nisha got a letter from her office at Lynchwood. Winger died of cancer today." Maya explained, Lilith and Axton absorbing this information. "My condolences, Nisha. I knew Winger for quite some time, he was a damn good golfer." Axton commented

"I appreciate all your sympathy, but…" Nisha started, choking back on her next words. "what is it?" Maya asked. Nisha paused then added "My parents are coming to the funeral. I swore I never wanted to see them again for all the horrific things they did to me as a child."

"Oh… gosh, Nisha, I never knew that. Why didn't you tell me or Axton?" Maya asked, Nisha sighing. "I'm gonna tell you something that I wasn't very fond of remembering; when I was like Gaige's age, my father came home, drunk and disorderly as usual. He then assaulted me in the living room and then… then he raped me. He kept striking me over and over and over, saying all these horrible things to my face. And my mother… well, she then whipped me fifteen times with a rod, calling me a whore and a unworthy daughter. Then, they both threw me out of the house, leaving me with **nothing**. That's when I found you, and you took me in." Nisha explained, breaking down into tears. Maya hugged her sister, comforting her.

"It's ok sis, it's ok, it's ok." Maya spoke soothingly, Nisha drying her tears. "Maya, you, Axton, everyone else… you're the only family I truly know. I just cant bear to see them again, cause I know they'll want to finish the job." Nisha spoke, Axton putting his hand on Nisha's shoulder.

"No they wont, Nisha. Not while me and Maya are around. If we see them, just tell us what to do, and we'll make absolutely sure that they get the payback they deserve." Axton spoke, Nisha smiling. "Thank you. I love you so much." Nisha spoke, embracing both him and Maya. Lilith cleared her throat, Maya pulling Lilith into the love huddle as well, Moxxi watching passionately.

The next day…

It was bright and early as Maya, Axton, Lilith and Nisha arrived at the Lynchwood county where the funeral wake was held. Most of the townsfolk gave Maya and Axton a dirty look for their involvement in the death of Handsome Jack, who was the town mayor. All it took was a death glare from Nisha saying 'talk like that to my family, and I'll blow your brains out' to make them immediately take back their prejudiced thoughts and act mutually toward their guests. The moment the Vault Hunters entered the church, the pastor rushed forward.

"Absolutely not! I will not tolerate such riff-raff like a testicle-ripping Siren and a bloodthirsty commando in my church, especially the disgraceful sheriff!" the pastor spoke, Lilith grabbing him by the neck and pinning him to the wall. "Let me explain something to you asshole; that 'riff-raff' you just spoke of are my family! And I will **not** tolerate such scum like you talking like that to their faces! So you either let us pay our respects or Winger wont be the **only** one who's getting the pine box!" Lilith hissed, the pastor gulping in fear when he saw the tattoos on Lilith's arm start to glow as if she was about to unleash her power.

"My most sincerest apologies." The pastor spoke, leaving the church as fast as he could. "How corrupt can this town possibly get?" Maya spoke in disgust, Nisha shaking her head. "this was all Jack's fault. He didn't corrupt the town, he also abused all the town authority, the citizenship, everything." Nisha explained as they made their way to the open coffin. Nisha dug into her pocket and placed Winger's old badge onto the coffin.

"Excuse me, which one of you is Nisha?" a young clergyman asked. Nisha then turned to face him. "I am, sir." Nisha answered. The clergyman swallowed hard before continuing "You remember hearing something about the old couple that lived down at that ranch down by the desert? Well, they were in Opportunity at the time, they were at the very top of the central state building, and they jumped. Ma'am, that couple was **your parents**. Now I know you're hurting, but hopefully this'll help ease your pain, since everyone in Lynchwood knows what they did to you." The clergyman then made a sign of the cross with his hand then left. Nisha was in astonishment. The most horrible people that ever existed in her life were finally gone, finally giving the troubled young woman a sense of closure.

"Nisha, you alright?" Maya asked, putting her hand on Nisha's shoulder. Nisha then smiled brightly and said "Yes, I am. I'm finally free from their cruelty."

"well that's good to know." Axton spoke, Nisha nodding before adding "Maya, will you come with me? I want to… pay my final respects to them, and I don't want to do it alone."

"Absolutely, sis." Maya spoke softly, both girls hand in hand as they walked through the cemetery until they reached the thorn-covered graves at the very end. Holding back her tears, Nisha placed a bouquet of roses by the tombstone, as Maya did the same.

"you know, whether they were really horrible to you or not, they still raised you as if you were one of their own. And if that isn't love, then, well… Nisha, I hope that you can be at peace with this, now that you can put the past behind." Maya spoke, Nisha nodding silently before saying "Maya, hold me."

Maya then embraced her adopted sister lovingly, Nisha shedding happy tears as she said goodbye to her old family and accepted her newfound family. "I'll always be there for you Nisha. **Always**." Maya whispered, Nisha nodding happily. "c'mon sis, let's go home, where we both belong." Nisha spoke, both her and Maya walking down the streets of cobblestone hand in hand like true sisters.


	6. Chapter 6

**Heyo!**

Genre: Comedy with some Romance

Pairings: Maya/Axton, Maya/Sheriff, Maya/Lilith

**Soldier Gets Siren Knocked Up**

It was a brisk Friday morning at Sanctuary as Maya awoke from a wild night of passion with her adoring husband and partner Axton. However, today was no ordinary day for our lovely blue haired Siren, because for some reason, Maya felt… different. Almost as if… no, it couldn't be possible. Maya placed her hand on her stomach and felt something. Gasping, she rushed to the mirror by her bed… and then shrieked in horror.

"What? What is it honey?! Is it Hyperion? Is it Jack back from the dead?!" Axton shouted, Maya facing him with both fury and surprise. "Honey… I have something very, **very** important to tell you but you mustn't tell this to **anyone**." Maya spoke, the commando nodding.

"sure, I hear ya, so what is it?" the commando asked. Maya braced herself and inhaled as she spoke the two words Axton never, ever, **EVER** expected to hear for quite an amount of time.

"I'm pregnant." Maya uttered. Axton was stunned beyond belief. First his militia ex-wife divorced him because of him refusing to be a father. That is, until he met Maya at Fyrestone. Now they were both married and committed. And it seemed rather natural for Maya to reveal this unexpected revelation to her beloved husband. In other words, Axton seemed to take the news rather well.

"well… that's **great!**" Axton whooped, embracing his now expectant wife and planting smooches on both her lips and her womb. "Axton, what the heck, man?! I didn't even **want** to be pregnant to begin with! I thought we agreed we would wait for a while before we started talking about kids!" Maya hissed

"what's all the hubbub, Maya?" Nisha asked, walking in before gasping at the sight of Maya's womb. All at once, her eyes beamed brightly. "Oh… my… God…" Nisha whispered excitedly, before embracing Maya. "I'm gonna be an **aunt!** I'm finally, **finally** gonna have a nephew!" Nisha sobbed happily, kissing Maya's forehead repeatedly

"Look Nisha, I know you're happy about this, but I can't hunt for Vaults and raise a baby at the same time." Maya explained, Nisha snorting. "Relax girl, I'll babysit for you. Besides look at you, you're so adorable! OMG, I have **got** to plan the baby shower!" Nisha added

"yeah, she's got a point hon. Besides, don't you think now that you have a bundle of joy on the way, you think it may be time to settle down for a while? I mean, I know you love Vault hunting, but… I just want you to be happy and enjoy your experience of motherhood. I mean, it's our first child, and I think we are blessed by this." Axton explained, Maya sniffling happily. "that… is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I'm going to be a mommy for the first time!" Maya sobbed, hugging her husband. "yeah, if only Roland was here to see this…" Nisha added, Maya nodding. "He would've made an **excellent** godfather."

"Hey, guys, what's taking so long? We were about to… oh my god…" Lilith gasped in joy at the sight of Maya. "Congrats Lil, you're about to be a godmother." Maya commented, showing her womb. Lilith burst into tears of joy and embraced her. "I love you…" Lilith sobbed, Maya kissing her cheek. "I know, I know. Hey, you and Nisha can babysit whenever you want." Maya commented

"what's all the hubbub?" Mordecai asked, poking his head in, with Zed in tow. "Guys… Maya and Axton have a little surprise…" Lilith teased, Maya and Axton gazing at each other happily. "what is it, you two deciding to renew your vows?" Zed asked, Maya laughing loudly. "No, silly! I'm pregnant!" Maya spoke, Mordecai spitting out his ale.

"well I'll be fatter than a giant goliath, congratulations, darlin'! You'll make a real good mother!" Zed exclaimed, Maya smiling softly as she rubbed her womb. "so how along are you, amiga?" Mordecai asked. "two months." Maya answered, turning to her husband. "well Axton, didn't you know I was getting fat?"

"Yeah I did. I'm really happy for you, honey. This is the best thing that's ever happened since the day you agreed to be my wife." Axton spoke, him and Maya kissing passionately. "I cant believe it. Seems like yesterday those two lovebirds just arrived here…" Nisha spoke, as Lilith nodded. "yup. I'm proud of her. She's taking the next step of becoming a woman like me." Lilith commented

The next day…

"ok, you can open your eyes now." Axton spoke, removing the blindfold off of Maya. the pregnant Siren gasped in joy at the sight of the nursery. "oh my god, honey, this is beautiful! Oh this is perfect!" Maya spoke, as she placed her hand on the crib next to hers and Axton's queen size bed. "yep. Gotta admit, Mordecai and I are really good at woodworking and modeling." Axton commented, Maya sighing in happiness as she relaxed on the bed. Maya contently closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, snoring softly. Axton smiled softly as she placed the covers over his slumbering wife and gently pushed back a strand of her blue hair and kissed her forehead. "Love you honey. Seven more months…" Axton whispered, as Maya smiled in her sleep.

"she looks like such an angel." Nisha whispered, coming in. "yeah I know. Cant believe we're about to become proud parents." Axton spoke softly, hoping not to wake Maya up from her nap. "I bought her this from the gift shop." Nisha whispered, gently placing a plush brown teddy bear underneath Maya's arm. Maya then sighed and snuggled up to it in her sleep, snoring.

"shhh… sleep, my pregnant little Siren… you are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on and I'm happy to call you sister." Nisha whispered, kissing Maya's forehead. "mmm… I love you Nisha. You're the best big sister." Maya mumbled sleepily. Nisha smiled as she planted a kiss on Maya's cheek. "love you too. Now get some sleep, you and your little one both need your rest." Nisha whispered.

**Seven Months Later…**

"ugh, ok, Nisha, help me up. I'm gonna head over to the diner and get some lunch." Maya spoke, Nisha and Moxxi helping her up, but then Maya groaned in pain. "what the? Sweetie, are you alright?" Nisha asked as Maya started gasping.

"Oh… oh god, I think it's time… my water broke!" Maya gasped, Mordecai spitting out his ale. "Holy crap, **now** you tell me?!" Mordecai gasped, coughing. "where is he? Where's Axton?" Maya asked worriedly. "he's at target practice with Marcus, I think." Nisha answered, Maya gasping. "Nisha, get both Axton and Zed, tell them to get to the bar, **now!**" Maya ordered, Nisha obeying before groaning in pain as another contraction ran through her body.

"Ok, ok, let's get you somewhere to lay down. Mordecai, I need you to get a large chair and bring it over here for delivery." Moxxi ordered, the sniper getting a massive booth and bringing it over. "it's ok honey, you're doing fine. Your husband is on his way over, he just texted me." Moxxi spoke soothingly, Maya nodding before screaming in pain.

"Alright, alright, Maya, I'm here for ya!" Zed hollered, rushing over as Axton ran to Maya's side. "Ok Maya, I need you to push **now!**" Nisha ordered, Maya groaning loudly as she did so. "Holy Moses, it's a head!" Zed exclaimed

"c'mon honey, fight through it, you can do this babe!" Axton added, Maya pushing before sighing in relief as Lilith cradled **something** in her arms. "it's a girl." Lilith whispered, Maya sighing happily as Lilith gently handed the newborn to Maya.

"look at her… she has your hair, honey." Maya whispered, as her new daughter slept softly. "what are we gonna name this little cutie?" Nisha asked quietly. "we'll call her… Angel. After the most important woman I ever knew in my life." Maya answered softly.


	7. Out There

Heyo!

Genre: Parody

Characters: Angel

**Out There**

Angel: **Safe behind these walls and these parapets of steel, gazing at the people down below me. All my life I watch them as I hide up here alone, hungry for the histories that shun me. All my life I memorize their faces, knowing them as they will never know me. All my life I wonder how it feels to pass a day, not above them, but part of them, and out there! Living in the sun, give me one day out there, all I ask is one, to hold forever, out there, where they all live unaware, what I'd give, what I'd dare just to live one day out there!**

**Angel: Out there, among the millers and the weavers and their wives, through the roofs and gables I can see them. Ev'ry day they shout, scold and go about their lives, even as if it is a gift to be them! If I was in their skin, I'd treasure every instance, out there, strolling by the Seine, taste the morning out there, like ordinary men, who freely walk about there, just one day and then I swear I'll be content with my share. Won't resent! Won't despair! Old and bent, I won't care! I'll have spent! One! Day out! There!**


	8. Shiver My Timbers songfic

**Borderlands Randomness Collection Vol 1**

**Shiver My Timbers**

**Chorus: (singing)**

**Shiver my timbers, shiver my soul**

**Yo ho heave ho**

**There are men whose hearts are as black as coal**

**Yo ho heave ho**

**Nisha: (singing)**

**And they sailed their barge cross the ocean blue**

**A bloodthirsty captain and a cutthroat crew**

**Wilhelm: (singing)**

**It's a darker tale as was ever told**

**Of the lust for Vaults and the love of Gold**

**Chorus: (singing)**

**Oh, shiver my timbers, shiver my sides,**

**Yo ho heave ho**

**There are hungers as strong as the winds and tides**

**Yo ho heave ho**

**Claptrap: (singing)**

**And those buccaneers drowned their sins in rum**

**Mordecai: (singing)**

**The devil himself would have to call 'em scum**

**Nomads: (singing)**

**Every man aboard would've killed his mate**

**For a bag of guineas or a piece of eight**

**Wilhelm: a piece of eight**

**Psycho: a piece of eight**

**Varkids: of five, six, seven, eight**

**Eridium Gods: (singing)**

**Hulu waka, hulu waka, something not right**

**Many wicked icky things gonna happen tonight**

**Moola waka Moola waka Sailor man beware**

**Scooter: (singing)**

**When da money in de ground**

**Dere's murder in de air**

**Bruisers: Murder in the air**

**Eridium Gods: One more time now**

**Chorus: (singing)**

**Shiver my timbers, shiver my bones**

**Yo ho heave ho**

**There are secrets that sleep with old Davy Jones**

**Yo ho heave ho**

**Threshers: (singing)**

**When the fast travel's set**

**And the ECHO weighed**

**There's no turning back from any quest that's laid**

**Marauders: (singing)**

**And when greed and villainy cross the sea,**

**You can bet your boots there'll be treachery!**

**~Interlude~**

**Chorus: (singing)**

**SHIVER MY TIMBERS, SHIVER MY SAIL**

**DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES**

***BANG***


	9. Down In Sanctuary

**Borderlands Randomness Collection Vol 1**

**Chapter 9**

**Down in Sanctuary (parody of Down in the Midnight Rectory from Alleluia: The Devil's Carnival)**

**Performers: Axton, Moxxi, Maya, Angel, Dr. Zed, Nisha, Athena**

**~Interlude~**

**Axton: (singing)**

**Down, down, down in Sanctuary**

**Where Crimson Raiders are makin' history**

**Feelin the sweat of freedom and hope**

**As we plan and plot a major revolt**

**Down, down, down in Sanctuary**

**Where Heaven is high and Hell is misery**

**I told you and I'll tell you again**

**Gimme two hallelujahs and an amen**

**Maya, Moxxi: (singing)**

**Down, down, down**

**Axton: No, no**

**Maya, Moxxi: (singing)**

**Down, down, down**

**Axton: no, no**

**Maya, Moxxi: (singing)**

**Down, down, down**

**Axton: well gimme two hallelujahs and an Amen**

**Dr. Zed: LET'S MAKE BELIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVEEEEE**

**Lilith: (singing)**

**Down, down, down in Sanctuary**

**Where peace is gone and chaos runs free**

**Law and order are outta the way**

**So watch out Hyperion, there'll be hell to pay**

**Down, down, down in Sanctuary**

**Where we are kings and Hyperion is history**

**Now I told you once, I'mma tell you again**

**Gimme two hallelujahs and an Amen**

**Maya, Nisha: (singing)**

**Down, down, down**

**Lilith: No, no**

**Maya, Moxxi: (singing) Down, down, down**

**Lilith: No, no**

**Maya, Moxxi: (singing)**

**Down, down, down**

**Lilith: well gimme two hallelujahs and an Amen**

**Claptrap: LET'S MAKE BELIEVE**

**~Claptrap does tap dance with jazz swing music~**

**Moxxi: (singing)**

**Down, down, down in Sanctuary**

**War's constantly fought without any mercy**

**We used to have strings and now we're free**

**So look out Jack, there ain't no strings on me**

**Down, down, down in Sanctuary**

**We're the bosses and Hyperion's our lackey**

**I told you before, I'll make you say it again**

**Gimme two hallelujahs and an Amen**

**Athena, Janey: (singing)**

**Down, down, down**

**Moxxi: No, no**

**Athena, Janey: (singing)**

**Down, down, down**

**Moxxi: no, no**

**Athena, Janey: (singing)**

**Down, down, down**

**Maya: well gimme two hallelujahs and an Amen! Hit it boys**

**~Interlude as Maya and Moxxi tango and do a swing dance~**

**Angel: (singing)**

**Down, down, down in Sanctuary**

**Where freedom is mine in all my glory**

**I was once imprisoned but now I'm free**

**So beware Jack, there are no strings on me**

**Down, down, down in Sanctuary**

**The Vaults will soon be ours and all the glory**

**One more time, I'll ask you again**

**Gimme two hallelujahs…. and an Amen**

**Dr. Zed: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls… killin' time's here**

**Chorus: (singing)**

**HI HI HO**

**ITS OFF TO WAR WE GO**

**CROSS YOUR HEART AN' HOPE TO DIE**

**ITS OFF TO WAR WE GO**

**WELCOME TO!**

**ALLELUIA**

**BORDERLANDS CARNIVAL**

**HI HI HO ITS OFF TO WAR WE GO**

**COME ON DOWN TO THE BORDERLANDS CARNIVAL**

**Mr. Bram Stoker: and Print! That's a wrap, folks! Nicely done**

**Maya: god, my throat is so sore from all the singing**

**Me: here's a lozenge**

**Maya: Thanks**

**Lilith: I… I think I have laryngitis**

**Me: not anymore ya don't (cures Lilith of her laryngitis)**

**Lilith: wow, thanks, boss**


End file.
